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Funny Husband Wife Jokes

jokes about husbands and wifes. John asked his wife, Mary, what she wanted to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new mink coat?" he asked

John asked his wife, Mary, what she wanted to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new mink coat?" he asked.

"Not really," said Mary.

"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" said John.

"No," she responded.

"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggested.

She again rejected his offer. "Well what would you like for our anniversary?" John asked.

"John, I'd like a divorce," answered Mary.

"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," said John.

A man comes into a room and says to his wife.

"I'm going to the pub. Get your coat on."
The wife overjoyed that she has at last been included in her husband's activities says "Great does that mean I'm coming with you?"
"No it just means I'm turning the heating off."

Wife to policeman "Come quickly, my husband and I have been fighting for over an hour!"

"Why didn't you call us earlier?"

Wife "Upto one minute ago he was winning!"

Through a scheduling mix up, a man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. It's late, the train is full, and everyone else is already asleep. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."

"Why not," giggles the woman.

"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."

A Loving Wife

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

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