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Funny Christmas Poems

Funny Christmas Poems and quotes

  • christmas poems at Amazon.co.uk
  • christmas poems at Amazon.com

  • News item, 24 December:

    A sleigh-load of foreigners, obviously seeking asylum in Australia, was turned back from entering Australian waters by the navy, Immigration Minister Mr Phillip Ruddock announced today.The foreigners included an old bearded man, a number of short accomplices (referred to, apparently, as "elves") and several reindeer.

    They were prevented from entering Australian waters around Christmas Island.

    The Prime Minister, Mr John Howard, congratulated the navy on their actions
    in intercepting the queue-jumpers.

    "Our security sources have uncovered these asylum seekers' plans, once in
    Australia, to go to every city and town - indeed, they had intended to visit
    every house! Fortunately, we have foiled their scheme. Who knows what
    terrible things would have happened if they had not been stopped in their

    "We alone, and not some foreign do-gooders, will decide who is allowed into
    this country."

    (the rest is best sung to a well-known tune by J. Fred Coots & Henry
    Santa Claus Was Coming To Oz

    Christmas in OZ

    You better watch out
    You better not cry
    You better be good
    I'm telling you why
    Santa Claus is coming to Oz

    He's coming across
    The water tonight
    Got lots to give
    Everybody, that's right
    Santa Claus is coming to Oz

    The navy's gone to meet him
    Have they brought Christmas cake?
    They don't know if he's bad or good -
    He's been stopped, for goodness sake!

    His sleigh is too small
    He's got a strange crew
    Has no passport
    He's jumping the queue
    Santa Claus was coming to Oz

    He grows a long beard
    He wears foreign clothes
    Security risk
    The government knows
    Santa Claus was coming to Oz

    He throws elves in the water
    To sneak in our country
    The PM says it's all on film
    And that's good enough for me

    They've taken him off
    To Tuvalu shores
    He won't bother me
    Or you any more
    Santa Claus ain't coming to Oz

    You better watch out
    There's no Christmas Isle
    In Australia no more
    I'm telling you why:
    Cause Santa Claus ain't coming to Oz.

    Copyright; David Peetz


    Funny Christmas Quotes

    Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall.
    We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.

    Dave Barry

    From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it.
    - Katharine Whitehorn, Roundabout

    Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer... Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?
    Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes

    In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukka' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukka!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'
    Dave Barry, Christmas Shopping

    There has been only one Christmas -- the rest are anniversaries.
    W. J. Cameron

    Out upon merry Christmas! What's Christmas time to you but a time for paying bills without money; a time for finding yourself a year older, but not an hour richer...? If I could work my will," said Scrooge indignantly, "every idiot who goes about with 'Merry Christmas' upon his lips should be boiled with his won pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart. He should!"

    Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol


    - More Funny Christmas Poems

    Other Christmas Poems featuring T.S. Eliot and Gerard Manley Hopkins


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