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Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men — the other 999 follow women.

Groucho Marx

# Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

# Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

# Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

# If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

# Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

# Blood’s not thicker than money.

# I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

# I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

# Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

# Don’t point that beard at me, it might go off.

# Don’t look now, but there’s one too many in this room and I think it’s you.

# Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

# From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

# He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot

# How do you feel about women’s rights ? I like either side of them.

# I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought I’ll dance with the cows till you come home.

# I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

# I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago…I shot my broker.

# I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

# I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

# I sent the club a wire stating, Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

# I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

# I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

# I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it

# If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

# I’ve known and respected your husband for many years, and what’s good enough for him is good enough for me.

# Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.

# Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

# Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

# Marriage is a wonderful institution…but who wants to live in an institution?

# Now there’s a man with an open mind – you can feel the breeze from here!

# Oh are you from Wales ?? Do you know a fella named Jonah ?? He used to live in whales for a while.

# Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

# Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

# Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

# Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

# Remember men, you are fighting for this lady’s honor; which is probably more than she ever did.

# Say! You haven’t stopped talking since we got here! You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle!

# She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.